There was a time in my life when I felt like I was pretty good at looking at problems and obstacles and hardships from God’s perspective, at being at least somewhat able to see where God was working good from any situation. But as of right now, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever, no answers, no hints, nothing. For someone who’s used to and finds security in knowing things and having direction, it’s the most utterly helpless and even terrifying place to be.
It’s bad enough when you hear about someone whose life seems to have the odds unfairly stacked against them. It’s exponentially worse when that person is one of the people you care most about.
I do not understand why God would allow such an incredible, caring, talented, intelligent, loving, godly person who has so much to offer for His service to be in so much pain for so long. I do not understand why it keeps seeming that, for the most fleeting of instants, there might be hope for release from such patiently long-endured, agonizing suffering, and then that hope is dashed. I do not understand how it’s possible that NO ONE has the answer for why the pain is there or how to end it or why it keeps getting worse or how to even provide short-term relief.
I have absolutely no idea what God’s purpose could possibly be in this. It just seems utterly unfair. And that terrifies me.
I’d never lose my faith in God, ever, because I know that He does ultimately have a purpose and a plan, but in all honesty I’m very frustrated right now that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to spare this person I care about so deeply from a burden of which he is undeserving.
I have over the last year learned much better how to love and how to trust God as I’ve been by the side of this person through more than one trial by fire. But I hate the thought that this person might have been forced to endure these things for the sake of teaching me something. Maybe it’s arrogant of me to even wonder if that could be a reason, I don’t know… I know nothing.
Actually, there is one thing I do know, and that is that I will neither abandon God nor this person He has brought into my life and is allowing me to show His love to. But in the meantime, I feel totally blind. God tells us to “bear one another’s burdens”… but I feel helpless to be able to do anything about this. If there was a way that I could take on some of the pain myself so he wouldn’t I have to, I would in a heartbeat… but that’s an impossibility. So I pray constantly for the pain simply to be removed, yet that doesn’t happen. I haven’t lost my faith in the power of prayer, but I admit that I’m very confused and frustrated with the fact that the answer is either “wait” (why hasn’t it been long enough?) or even “no.”
So here I am. Lost. Helpless. Confused. Clueless. Frustrated. Probably selfish. Broken. I have no idea what to do about it. And I hate it. I know all the right things to tell myself about God’s will and purpose, but they’re little solace right now. That scares me too. I’ve never been so painfully aware of my weakness. God have mercy.