It’s just that, for some reason, I seem to feel more inspired to write when I’m frustrated, or upset, or whatever else other than joyful. I should probably work on that… God is good, all the time, and I am completely convinced of that and in general, I’m a fairly happy person, and I’d rather I come across that way more on my blog… Hmmm, I’ll have to work on that in the future…
Tonight, however, is not the future. Tonight is a night for venting. Partly because it’s not even tonight anymore — the sun should be rising within the next hour or so, I think. And it’s a weekend. And I was up this late last night too. Not doing any typical fun, laid-back, Southern California college student fun things, mind you, but working on this beast of a paper.
Ironically, I’m pulling weekend all-nighters working on a beast of a paper (Torrey paper, to be precise) that’s not even due for nearly a month. The thing is, though, the weekend that I would normally be using to write this thing I’m going up to visit Chris, since it’s a long weekend thanks to the break from homework that Torrey Bible Conference allows. Half of Biola takes off to go on adventures that weekend, so I am joining them and heading up to NorCal, since it’s one of only 3 chances I have to see Chris in SEVEN MONTHS. (I am officially not a fan of long-distance relationships, by the way.) The paper of doom is due the following Friday, and because I have very little time during the week and limited free time on my weekends between now and then, I am trying my darndest to get a good chunk of this thing cranked out this weekend.
I am extraordinarily frustrated by the process.
I cannot seem to stay focused, so it’s taking me way longer than is necessary to get through each step of my preparations. When I can focus, my brain seems to be processing inordinately slowly and devoid of brilliant profundities. I’ve been sitting in the same spot in my room for about 22 hours total since Friday afternoon and I don’t have nearly enough to show for it. I’m not sure why it’s taking so long. My paper preparation both semesters last year consisted of “Oh shoot! Mid Rags is tomorrow! I’d better throw an outline together!” And that approach served me strangely well.
It’s a frustrating topic I’ve picked, first of all — whether man should seek the divine things of God, what those divine things are, and how he should seek them, using arguments from Gregory of Nazianzus, St. Bonaventure, and Paul, and writing in the style of Thomas Aquinas. Oy vey… Very slippery, abstract concepts I’m dealing with, and I’m using the Bible as evidence as to whether it is Bonaventure or Gregory whose perspective is more correct, but I’m limited to 4 books total, and while I’ve found a few scattered helpful verses in Ephesians and 1 Corinthians, I’m worried about whether those few verses are enough to be strong arguments against books that are several hundred pages in length.
In this midst of all this, Chris has been backsliding from the improvement he was making last week. He’s supposed to come visit on Thursday. If he doesn’t, that will be the third time that his health has, at the last minute, gotten in the way of us being able to be together and knock us down to only two short weekends together in the span of 7 months. All of which is, needless to say, exceedingly frustrating for so many reasons… and not helping me stay focused any better…
I’ve also been experiencing some really bad stomach and chest pains pretty frequently the last few days… this isn’t the first time they’ve shown up — they started back in May, but they haven’t been this bad in months. Yet another inconvenience.
There are so many bigger problems in the world than mine. A family from my high school just lost their daughter (who was in the class behind mine) to a brain tumor. She’s healed now and standing before Jesus. But I can’t even imagine their grief. That’s just one example. It should put things in perspective… but I’m still struggling.
I need focus. I need clarity.
And then I need some time to be still and know that He is God.
And right now, I need an hour-and-a-half power nap. Here’s hoping I wake up to my alarm…