I’ve realized that I have a constant need to be productive. However, that rarely to drives me to be productive in the ways I need to be. I should be writing pull questions or taking notes right now. Instead I’m doing laundry and organizing my playlists on iTunes.
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I cried a lot in the last two days. More than I ever realized I was capable of. I know things could be so much worse and that it’s not really so bad, and that God is in control, but in the moment, that doesn’t make it easier. Today has been better. Whether it’s because I’m numb or in denial, or maybe actually beginning to feel peace, I’m not quite sure, but it has been better.
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So much has changed in the last year. Very little of my college experience has been how I expected it would be, and in some ways that’s not so good, in other ways it is good, and some ways remain to be seen. I’m starting to actually feel that I have grown up, that I am growing up, that I have a lot of growing left to do, and I’m okay with being in transition. I have no idea what changes the next year will bring (a lot, I’m thinking), but I’m a lot calmer about that than I used to be. God knows what He’s doing, and I’m constantly seeing Him at work in my life. I don’t always like the ways in which He works, but I trust Him. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to tell him bluntly when I struggle with trusting.
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My life has not been as difficult as so many other people’s lives. Lately, it hasn’t been very easy, either.
I wouldn’t trade it.
God is good. God is working.
He who began a good work in me will carry on to the day of completion.
He will fulfill His purpose for me.
He knows the plans He has for me; plans to prosper me, and not to harm me, to bring me a hope and a future.
He works all things together for good.
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I am renaming my blog after this post. It seems apt.