No matter what my to-do list looks like on any given day, and no matter the size of the projects on that list, I seem to always be convinced that I’m invincible. I don’t fully understand that, because at the beginning of every week and every day, I ask myself how the heck am I ever going to pull this off? but without ever believing that I won’t.
That’s partly because thus far, I’ve never actually failed to get everything finished. I’ve come dangerously close, and sometimes my work hasn’t been at its best, but I have always managed to get by somehow. It’s also partly because I feel completely trapped. Failing to turn in an assignment or to get at least a B in a class aren’t really options if I want to keep my scholarship. But the final reason is that my academic work is one of few things that I can actually control (though admittedly even that is in question sometimes these days), and I think I refuse to believe that that could escape me.
I’ve had a good handful of people counsel me recently to let go of things once in awhile, to give myself a break, because it’s pretty obvious that my level of stress is wreaking havoc on me. I freely admit that. But honestly… I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to balance being academically responsible and being emotionally and physically and spiritually responsible.
If I were hospitalized with appendicitis, academia would understand and graces would be given and allowances made. If only there was so much sympathy for struggles that can’t be proven by a doctor’s note.